Mother's Day Out

I have a confession. I say confession, because I feel guilty of some crime. I am taking my baby to day care (gasp, hiss!).

Yes, I am taking my sweet, helpless, little five-month old who just wants to be with his mommy to a place where teachers who do not love him like I do will robotically feed and play with him (ignore him?!) for a few hours. Or at least, that's how I feel. Like a monster. Like I've failed the good-mommy test practically before I've even sharpened my pencil.

Why so much self-flagellation? I've always been a fan of day care. I always thought I'd feel fine about leaving my child with someone so that I could work or pursue my own interests.

A hundred years ago I would have had seven kids and bread to bake and clothes to sow and a chicken neck to ring and I wouldn't have time to spend every minute nurturing my child. Why do I think I have to do that now?

Day care offers learning opportunities and new experiences for little ones who are stimulated by new places and things. Even at five months I believe Liam gets bored at home, and day care offers a welcome change in activities.

Still, now that I have my own child, now that I understand the primal attachment of parenthood, the heart-melting vulnerability of an infant, the blinding love for your own offspring, I am torn about leaving Liam at day care. Especially because I am not working and have no real need to leave him.

This is how it all started. The university has a day care for children of students and faculty. It is called the Grand Anse Play Group (GAP).

I know several people (namely my neighbors, who are also my parenting role models, see post below) who take their older children there. I put Liam on the waiting list for January for just two or three half days a week. I thought by then he will be eight months and could benefit from the above mentioned aspects of day care.

Then, in late August the director called and said there was a spot opening up in September. Two afternoons a week on Monday and Wednesday. Would I like to take the spot?

Putting your child's name on a list is easy, leaving them in some one else's care is a whole other thing.

I wasn't sure if I wanted to go through with it, but I went for a tour anyway. Although the low-slung, cinder-block building where the GAP is housed looks like a prison from the outside, I was surprised to find it is a nice place. Clean and bright and cool inside. Orderly. Nice teachers. Professional directors. Fun toys and music. Happy children everywhere.

O.K. so not the den of filth and neglect I was fearing. Still, my baby is so young. In fact, he is the youngest in the infant room right now.

And he is so easy to take care of at this age. I mean, the kid can't move. He sleeps 10-12 hours at night. He takes several naps during the day. He loves to hang out on his play mat. It's not rocket science. I can cook and clean and check my email and smile and coo at him all at the same time.

And again, I don't work! Day care is for women who do something productive outside of the home. The only thing I do outside of the home is socialize, pay bills and grocery shop. All of which I can do with Liam in tow.

But I decided to go through with it anyway. The rational part of me, what little there is, says it will not hurt him to be in day care a few hours a week.

An afternoon at day care is technically 1-6 p.m. but I can drop him off and pick him up any time. So 3-5 p.m. or 1:30-4 p.m. or whenever. I never leave him there for a full five hours.

I pay for the whole time no matter how long he stays, but it only costs $1US an hour. It is still a luxury on our budget, but child care will never be so affordable.

Going to the grocery store and paying those bills is a lot easier without having to carry him around in the Bjorn.

And there are a few things that I wouldn't mind doing for myself - like going to the gym or for a swim in the ocean - that I can't do with Liam. C.J. is so busy he rarely is able to give me a break. And it's not like I can drop the baby off at Grandma's house.

Maybe a few hours away from him during the week is just the thing to help me be a loving and energized mommy. Happy mom, happy baby. Right?

So I am taking Liam to day care. To make myself feel better I would like to call it Mother's Day Out. Whoever came up with that name is a brilliant marketer. It makes a huge difference to the maternal psyche.

The first day he cried when I left which absolutely broke my heart. I ran my errands in about 45 minutes and then didn't know what to do with myself. I missed him. I had an existential crisis - who am I? Am I a person anymore without my child? Why do we have children if we let other people take care of them? What is the meaning of all this?

I went for a short walk on the beach and then picked him up. He was alive and seemed to still love me. I kissed him a hundred times and asked him to please forgive me for my selfishness.

The second day he cried again. But the third and fourth days when I dropped him off he didn't cry at all. I went to the gym and jogged for the first time in almost a year. I went to the beach with some childless girlfriends and soaked up a little sunshine. I've been to the grocery store and stopped at the hardware store and filled the car up with gas. Life does go on when mother and child are separated.

Today it's Mother's Day Out again. I still feel a little anxiety about leaving him. I am sad to be away from him. But I also feel like it would be so wonderful to use the gift card my mother-in-law gave me for a massage at La Luna. So I may just call and see if they can fit me in this afternoon.

On reflection, especially after that last sentence, I suspect some readers will consider me dramatic and self-absorbed to fret about leaving my child voluntarily for a few hours when many women need to leave their children in full-time day care as early as six weeks to work outside the home.

While others reading this really will think I'm lazy and shirking my responsibilities for leaving my young child in day care when I don't work. I know lots of moms who would never put their child in day care and their kids are years older than mine.

So I guess the ultimate parenting conflict of our modern time has moved from an abstract idea to a very personal issue for me - child care or no child care. And just like everything else about having kids, what is acceptable for one family may not be for another. Ultimately I must decide what it means to be a good mother and what is healthy for my child.

I may beat myself up a little but I am still taking him to the GAP today, so I guess I've made up my mind about it.